Top 9 Worst Lists On The Internet – Stupid Is An Understatement

Deadly squirrels. Barack Obama. Body enhancements. Dump trucks. Christianity. What do they all have in common? They’re part of the heaping pile of junk with which people have soured the internet. We’ve compiled a Top 10 of the worst, stupidest lists on the internet, and we hope you’ll get as much of a laugh out of these as we did.
MMR is about the future of technology and the potential behind it, and there hasn’t been a single invention more transformative than the internet in decades. But with every new technology there comes a downside, and we’re about to explore one of them. We had a good laugh deciding on which lists made our list of horrible lists, and so here are the top ten absolute worst internet lists…ever. Some of these are the best because they’re the worst. This is what happens when tech fails. Enjoy!

9) “Top Five Crimes Committed by Squirrels”

Well, now we know that squirrels are pure evil. From squirrels starting fires, to suicidal attacks on the power grid, to the attempted murder of a One Direction singer, squirrels have apparently wreaked more havoc over the course of history than any human could. The most interesting aspect of this article were the skills of whomever edited the insidious, weapon-wielding squirrels into every photograph.

8) “Five Most Unusual Things Named After Barack Obama”

It’s impossible not to fall in love with some of these topics. So what kind of things do get named after Obama? Oddly enough, since he gets blamed for pretty much everything in the world, it’s really not that surprising. Or unusual. An extinct lizard species, a parasite, a spider, and a fungus all made the cut. Most of the people who thought up the names (such as Paragordius Obamai or Obamadon Gracilis) claimed to be doing so out of respect and appreciation, but–we’re not so sure. If you really want to show your appreciation, how about naming your firstborn son after our fearless leader?
What about you? Would you name something after Barack Obama?

7) “The Top Five Jaw-Dropping Christian Videos in the Universe”

Just. Watch. It. Admittedly, this probably only made our list because–while completely pointless–the videos are somewhat addicting. And hypnotic. If you don’t believe me, just watch “Jesus Is My Friend” and try not to fall under a spell. All of the godless blasphemers wandering the globe might just say a prayer tonight. But then again, all of the faithful devotees out there might just abandon their gods. Either/or. The video has nearly eight million views, but we think it should have a whole lot more.
Okay, in all fairness…Someone made the list for an Ant-Man movie marathon earlier in 2014. But it received three comments. Do you understand what that means? At least three people were captivated by the topic of ants. It wasn’t even sarcastic, insipid commentary. They contributed. Movies with ants. And not just any old movies, either. Science fiction movies. Is the distinction really necessary? Why couldn’t they be old westerns with ants? Why not cartoons with ants? …How about videos of Jesus with ants?

6) “Top Five Penis Enlargement Devices”

Yeah. Penis enlargement devices. Are there really still people out there taking penis enlargement scams seriously? One device on the list claims to increase length by a whopping 2.8cm (yes, sarcasm) after going through 1100 hours of what we can only assume is excruciating, maddening, anxiety-ridden “traction force.” And yes, you read that correctly. Eleven. Hundred. Hours. Of “traction force.” What does that even mean?!
Another similar list included exercises you can do to size up your penis. At least exercise is free. Actually, that might make a great video…

5) “The Top Five Largest Dump Trucks in the World”

It’s probably unimaginable that anyone would ever want to invest the time to read a top five list about dump trucks. But if you would, then by all means read away. You’ll find fascinating bits of information about each truck’s horse power, fuel tank capacity, and how much a massive tire costs (about $35,000). The website’s name is “Top Five of Anything” and they aren’t kidding.

4) “Fifteen Hottest Actresses Busted With Erect Nipples”

Continuing on with body parts, this one definitely makes the cut. Needless to say, it probably gets a lot of clicks from horny teenagers or people searching for porn sites instead of reading material. And whomever wrote the article knew that, because there aren’t even any captions. Don’t know a celebrity’s name? …Well, you probably don’t care anyway. Good gods. Erect nipples? …Really? Jesus is my friend. Jesus is my friend. Jesus is my friend. Jesus is my friend. Jesus is my friend.
Other similar lists included famous nip-slips and side-boob.

3) “The Best Online Ads on Makefive”

For the record, “Makefive” is the website on which this list was found. It made a list about its own ads. Way to whore yourself out to clickers, Makefive. But this much can be said: They do have a few interesting ads, such as “Meet Single Arabs Online” or “Humping USB Dog” or hell, even “The Satanic Superstore”. Unfortunately most of the advertisements listed are the generic “Make Your Website Better” type you’d see anywhere. Boring.

2) “A Look into the Top Five Branded Laptops for Rent in Australia”

Wait…You can rent a laptop?

…Australia? Why just Australia? Well, my mind is blown.

Jesus is my friend.

1) “Six Reasons Why Internet Lists Must DIE”

We’re coming full circle. You started with the worst internet lists, so it’s only fitting you should end your journey with reasons why the lists shouldn’t exist in the first place. We’re not trying to define irony, we swear.

The author compares internet lists to Pop Tarts, and it’s difficult to fight against that kind of flawless logic. Other gems include very accurate explanations notifying the reader that these lists aren’t written by experts, are never objective, and generally make us all feel like a bunch of idiots. “Six Reasons Why Internet Lists Must DIE” claims the top spot because it’s somehow pointlessly relevant and we agree with the message.